As I've mentioned a few times before, breastfeeding Eden has not been the easiest thing I've ever done in life. On the contrary, it was quite possibly the most difficult obstacle I've ever overcome. In the past few weeks, I've been trying to put my thoughts and experiences into words. It quickly became apparent that I would not be able to present it all in one big chunk, so, here is the first installment (of I don't know how many) of my breastfeeding journey... I hope you enjoy and learn a little something, too!
**Disclaimer: This is very personal and if you do not feel that you can respect my openness and honesty, please refrain from reading ahead.**
I’m not really sure what I expected breastfeeding to be like
but I do know that I never could have imagined it would be as difficult as it
was. My prior knowledge of breastfeeding
consisted of my Mom, who simply told us she did it, not any specifics about
it…my sister, who breastfed all three of her girls with ease…my sister-in-law,
who successfully breastfed her four children, two of them twins, and never
really talked too much about any challenges she faced…and my other
sister-in-law, who had the most difficulty and ended up switching to formula at
3 months for her first child (when she went back to work) and after just a few
days with her second child due to mastitis and her milk drying up. Naively, I simply hoped my experience would
be a lot like my sister’s without much preparation or education. The one main concern I had was concerning my
nipples. You see, they’re inverted which
can obviously cause problems when the baby tries to latch. (I realize this is super bold of me to tell
everyone and their mom about my nipples but it is what it is and it plays a
large part in my breastfeeding journey so I feel it warrants mentioning.) I knew that women had successfully
breastfed with inverted nipples so I simply knew I would persevere and do
whatever it took. It’s not fair to say I didn’t do any preparation at
all. The doula that I hired was also a
lactation consultant, a very good one from what I had heard and I would take
her prenatal classes, as well, which included a class on breastfeeding. I asked my midwives (from a group practice; I switched halfway through my pregnancy) and the lactation
consultant what they recommended for my inverted nipples to prepare me to breastfeed
successfully. One midwife suggested
wearing breast shells towards the end of my pregnancy. When I asked my lactation consultant about
this, she said it wasn’t necessary…that I could just use a nipple shield once
the baby came. I went ahead and ordered
one to be sure I had it whenever Eden decided to arrive. Did I even
look at the packaging and familiarize myself with how to use it? Nope!
I figured I would have plenty of people around to help me once the baby
was born. It baffles me now that I
didn’t do more reading about breastfeeding before it came time for me to do
it. When I was pregnant, I read a whole
lot about pregnancy…and natural childbirth…but not so much about
breastfeeding. I don’t know if this was
because I felt like I had a leg up due to being a pediatric nurse…or if it was
just a matter of “I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.” But let me tell you, it was definitely trial
by fire and you live and you learn but I certainly would do things different if
I could go back in time. I realize it’s
a bit early to be revealing the moral of the story but I’ll go ahead and say
it: YOU are your own advocate and
ultimately responsible for ensuring that your breastfeeding relationship is successful. I guess that sounds a little harsh but all I
mean is that you can’t rely on others to simply do it ALL for you. You can educate yourself and surround
yourself with mentors and educators, but you
have to take that step.
Anyways, fast forward to the evening that I gave birth to my
beautiful daughter. Overall, I would say
I had a wonderful labor and delivery.
There were absolutely no complications.
She was born in the water and we placed her on my chest/abdomen as soon
as she was born. She was pretty upset
from the whole ordeal and I tried to nurse her right away but she wasn’t really
having any of it. I let it roll off my
back and just cuddled with my new love. After
a few minutes (more than 5 but less than 10), I reluctantly allowed her cord to
be clamped and cut and I gave her over to someone so I could get out of the
tub. Once I got dried off & such, I
cuddled in bed and they placed her in my arms.
With the help of my midwife, I nursed my daughter for the first
time. I didn’t even bother to bring my
nipple shield (I’m not sure why) so it wasn’t an easy task but with some
maneuvering of my breast by my midwife, we were able to get her to latch on for
a minute or two. From what I remember,
she wasn’t too interested in sucking, though, and she just fell asleep and
cuddled in my arms. After about an hour,
we decided it was time for her to be weighed and measured and all that good
stuff and I still had to deliver the placenta, go to the bathroom, get cleaned
up, etc., etc. After all of that and
eating something (can’t remember what order), my midwife wanted me to try
nursing again before we headed home. It
was much more difficult this time and we just couldn’t get her to latch
on. I wasn’t really too worried about it
and I knew that my lactation consultant would help the following day (it was
late at night by this point). If I had
known then what I know now about how crucial those first few hours are, I would
have 1. Brought my nipple shield,and 2. Stayed at the birth center and ensured
that Eden nursed successfully at least one more time before heading home. Ah hindsight…it’s 20/20.
On the hour and a half drive home, Eden sucked on my finger
the entire way. I was hopeful that she
might nurse again when we got home but in spite of her being awake and
vigorously willing to nurse, I was unable to get her latched on. I even tried the nipple shield, but once
again, I had no clue what I was doing because nobody had shown me how to use it
(and it wasn’t until about a month later that I realized that there was a
package insert with instructions). I
still wasn’t too stressed about it and I simply got her to go to sleep by
sucking on my finger. As the night wore
on, I did get more and more concerned and planned to call my lactation
consultant first thing and beg her to come over ASAP. Thankfully, I was finally able to get her
latched on early that next morning and she nursed for a few minutes. I still called my lactation consultant and
asked her to come by as soon as possible.
She came that afternoon and taught me how to use the nipple shield. She was concerned about how infrequently Eden
had nursed and her tone made me worry too…but I didn’t like that, so I tried to
stay optimistic. The following few days
are quite the blur. I just remember
being fairly happy with how Eden was nursing (with the shield) and the
frequency but my lactation consultant was worried about her lack of pooping,
concerned that this meant she wasn’t getting enough to eat. She wanted me to pump frequently and spoon
feed the breast milk to my baby after each feed. Our attempts to spoon feed were nothing short
of ridiculous and we ended up syringe feeding for the most part. I did finally break down and give her a
bottle of breast milk at one point, too.
It was just taking waaaay too long to try and spoon or syringe feed her
(and I was exhausted…we all were). My LC
was also concerned with how much milk I was getting when I pumped. We would often communicate via text and I’ll
never forget one time she wanted me to pump and let her know how much I got (I
can’t remember if she got me to pump in lieu of a feed or right after
one). When I responded with the amount
(something like 18ml), she flipped out (or it seemed that way to me over text). That made me
flip out. I was so stressed and I was
really starting to be concerned.
We took Eden to the Pediatrician when she was four days old
and talked to her about the lack of poop and she wasn’t concerned yet.
This set my mind at ease and we just kept on keeping on (nursing every
2-3 hours day and night). It was tiring
but I knew it was what was best to establish my milk supply. Besides the lack of poop, everything else
seemed to indicate that things were going well—good pee diapers, Eden appeared
satisfied after feeds, and everything seemed good.
The next day is when things started going downhill. I woke up around 3 am with severe pain in my
breast. I also had a low-grade fever,
chills and overall, just felt miserable.
I knew right away I was getting mastitis. I was determined to not let it get the best
of me so I immediately fed the baby, pumped, fed the baby the pumped milk via
bottle and did it all over again (it had been two hours and it was time for her
to eat again). This seemed to really
help and I no longer had pain. I did
have some redness around my breast but that was it. I notified my LC and midwife the next
morning. My midwife is pretty
conservative and just sent me a bunch of information about homeopathic remedies
for mastitis. I was confident we would
get through this. The next couple of days
were ok. I just tried to rest as much as
possible and feed the baby frequently.
Sunday, on Eden’s one week birthday, my sister and two of her kids came
to visit for the day. It was a busy and
tiring day. That evening, I felt like my
milk supply really dropped. I pumped and
didn’t get nearly as much as I had been.
I was worried and overwhelmed. My
LC wanted me to bring Eden to her house to get weighed that day but since my
family was visiting, we put it off until the next day. The only problem with that was that it
snowed! Therefore, we had to wait
another day. So, when Eden was 9 days
old, I took her to my LC’s house to be weighed.
She did a before- and after-feed weight, first before and after Eden
nursed on the right (which was the breast affected with the mastitis) for 20+
minutes and Eden had not transferred any
milk. OK, so my supply had dropped from
having mastitis…not cool but not altogether surprising. So, we did a weight before and after she
nursed on the left but the LC only let her nurse for like 8 minutes and she
transferred a miniscule amount of breast milk.
At first, I was in denial…that’s just not possible! Then, I was freaking out. How could this be? This is the moment that I feel like
everything hit me…breastfeeding was not going as planned and we have to do
something about it. She wanted me to try
to relax and pump and feed Eden the pumped breast milk. Then, she wanted me to pump frequently after
each feed to try and increase my supply.
She also encouraged me to schedule an appointment with my gynecologist
to explore possible reasons for low milk supply. At this point, we thought there was some
maternal reason affecting my milk supply.
We ran down the list of possible culprits…we were pretty sure I had not
retained any placenta…I don’t have PCOS or hypothyroid (though my LC wanted me
to get it rechecked), etc. I assumed it
was probably from the mastitis. I also
started taking a bunch of supplements to help increase my milk supply somewhere
around this time.
That evening, I decided to email my midwife to sort of get a
second opinion. Here is that email in
its entirety (names have been omitted to maintain the anonymity of my midwife
and LC).
[Midwife],
Hey, just wanted to fill you in on what happened at
LC's today. We weighed Eden & her weight is unchanged
since her doctor's appt last Thursday. :-/ Then, she
nursed on the right breast (the one with mastitis)
for 24 minutes. LC gave me some tips on different
positions that may help drain the affected area of
the breast. Then, we weighed Eden again & it was the
same showing little to no transfer. Then, I nursed
on the left and LC weighed her after she had only been
on for 8 minutes. Her weight went up a minuscule
amount.
LC had me pump when I got home to see how much I got...
only drops out of the right again/still. :( LC is
concerned ... I'm not :) But LC wants me to call in
the morning & schedule an appointment with my GYN to
explore what's going on with my breast. I'm falling
asleep as I try to write this so I will fill you in
on the details when I get up in the morning!?
Mary
Her response follows:
Hi Mary,
I left you a phone message. Feel free to give me a
call. I suggest if nothing else you add a supplement
at the breast like an SNS but:
1) I would weigh her on the same scale, like her
physician or mine so that you know how much she has
grown or not grown.
2) Also suggest you pump on one side while nursing
on the other side to help build up milk supply if
needed. I think 8 minutes probably was not enough,
especially using nipple shields, to get a let-down
from your left breast.
3) Also would look at seeing if we can get her latched
on without shields because I have had experience of
shield preventing development of milk due to lack of
skin to skin?
4) Does your pediatrician have lactation consultant?
I'm available after 6:30 this evening or any time in
the morning if you want to come this way for help.
[Midwife]
At the time, I had never even heard of a "SNS" so I had to Google that. I was also not aware of the importance of "skin-to-skin" mentioned in #3. All I knew was that I liked her optimism and I really wanted everything to be OK. I was in a bit of denial, to be quite honest; denial that would continue on some level for quite some time...
That's all I have for now. Stay tuned for the rest!
